Receiving feedback hurts
How to minimise the pain when giving and receiving feedback
I've always had this complicated relationship with receiving feedback.
Intellectually, I know it's the golden ticket to growth and improvement. It's like having a roadmap that shows you exactly where you need to go.
But here's the thing: even with this knowledge, receiving feedback still stings. It's like a paper cut to the ego – small, yet surprisingly painful. This pain risks me not learning enough from it.
As a countermeasure, I now schedule a 'meeting' with myself the next day after receiving feedback. I need that delay - in the heat of the moment, when those words of feedback hit my ears, they often feel like a personal attack, even when they're not meant as one.
So I need that time to step back, breathe, and process.
Why feedback hurts
As it turns out, my struggle with feedback isn't just a personal quirk – it's deeply rooted in our brains.
From a neuroscience perspective, when we receive negative feedback, our brains can activate the same pathways they use for physical pain. As a result, your brain can interpret a critique as a literal pain, triggering a defence mechanism. This primal response is more about survival than growth, so it can get in the way.
Then there's the concept of cognitive dissonance. This theory suggests that when we face information that contradicts our beliefs or self-image, it creates an inner conflict.
For instance, if I see myself as a skilled professional, and someone points out a flaw in my work, it creates a mental clash. My brain scrambles to resolve this dissonance, often by rejecting the feedback. It's a natural response, but again, not particularly helpful for personal growth.
How to give better feedback
So, when we are in leadership positions, understanding this psychological and neurological backdrop is crucial. We need to remember that if receiving feedback is a challenge for us, it's likely just as hard for our team members. Our role then becomes not just to offer feedback but to package it thoughtfully.
Here are a few tips that worked for me:
Empathy First: Approach feedback sessions with empathy. Ahead of giving the feedback I will close my eyes and visualise what it would be like for me to receive it, if I was on the opposite end. That usually leads to me tweaking what I was going to say.
Be Specific and Constructive: Vague comments like "You need to do better" are not helpful and are particularly likely to trigger a defence mechanism. I now only allow myself to give feedback if I can tie it to something specific.
Highlight Strengths: Balance criticism with recognition of strengths. This not only softens the blow but also reinforces positive behaviour.
Don’t give feedback in public: Ensure that feedback is given in a setting where the person feels safe and respected, not called out or embarrassed. So I make sure to not raise anything in a team meeting. I know this contradicts the ‘radical transparency’ trend, but I have never found a way to make radical transparency work. For me it has always led to more drama / hurt feelings and less progress.
Encourage a Growth Mindset: Frame feedback in a way that encourages a growth mindset. If it is a ‘big’ feedback session, I often start by sharing a story of where I was given feedback, mention I didn’t like hearing it, but then explain how it helped me.
So I think my main point is that feedback, while a gift, is not always an easy one to give or receive.
Being conscious of this enables us to turn feedback into the the powerful tool for growth and learning we know it can be.
Thank you for being here,
Daniel